Ever So Scrumptious

Plenty of people want to write about burlesque, but performers’ stories are thin on the ground. Burlesque performers are either absent or goddess-like advice-givers – describing their own ups, downs, setbacks, and tricks is at odds with the brief enchantment of presenting a burlesque persona on stage. I’ve read Immodesty Blaize’s novel Tease, which was an acceptable British-style bonkbuster lashed with luxury brands. I didn’t enjoy it as much as I might have, after reading Collette first.

The recent Dr. Sketchy Wellington, with its corseted models and tumbling curls,  reminded several of us of Colette, and we swapped our favorite Colette titles as we drew. A fine overview of Collette at Apartment Therapy, of all places – whatever Colette wrote about, from goofy bulldogs to tatty bohemian apartments, became infused with glamour. And a side-splitting synopsis of one of her first novels, Claudine in Paris, is here: “Still your beating hearts, mes petites schoolgirl fantasists!” It was after she wrote the Claudine books that she left her husband and, as part of making a living, took to the music-hall stage. Some of the wicked highlights of Collette’s burlesque acts – performed with her butch lesbian lover – are here at History is Made at Night. But she kept her eyes open between acts, and her music-hall burlesque tales are the result.  Colette’s books are worth reading for the potential burlesque names alone. Fanchette, Fosette, Manette, Lola, Kiki-the-Demure – and that’s just the pets!

Anyhow, I promised you burlesque stories. Mitsou, or Music-Hall Sidelights is a collection of short pieces Colette wrote on life in the music hall before and during World War I. The brunette starlet Mitsou has her own novella in the collection, but the shorter following pieces profile the vague blonde chorus girl, the starving male backup, the life of touring vaudeville acts, even the piano accompanist. Collette doesn’t miss a loose spangle or a tubercular cough from her colleagues on the boards. Mitsou was turned into a forgettable movie in 1956 – Colette’s novella Gigi would become a less mangled, more famous movie in 1959.

Lots of today’s burlesque generation will identify more with the wry dancer Renee in Colette’s novella The Vagabond, published serially in 1910. Renee, formerly the complaisant wife of a bohemian philanderer, put her foot down and left, and now makes most of her living on the music-hall stage. Intelligent, world-weary, aware that her beauty is starting to fade, Renee loves dancing but is ambivalent about her current milieu, regarding her compeers with an eye as sardonic as it is affectionate. Surely, when a rich admirer turns out to have a heart as well, she is ready to be swept away from that milieu…or is she? One final dancing tour through the French provinces, and she will decide.

Last, and unmissable, is The Pure and The Impure. Colette profiles the most striking of the erotic adventurers she has known, with tenderness and depth; a heartless womanizer, a dignified butch aristocrat, a bisexual courtesan now turning over dirty tarot cards, the ladies of Llangollen, the lovely and mad poet Renee Vivien. You may ask what this enigmatic queer classic has to do with burlesque. Its milieu of smoky cafes, opium dens, and aristocratic parlors was the demi-monde background to the caf-conc’ dancers in The Vagabond; they were all equally disreputable. And what erotic performer would not benefit from this piercing view into seduction and the human heart?

A few years ago, I put a personal ad up online. Reading through the profiles of men who sent me a “smile” signal or who were matched to me automatically by the personals site, here is what I learned about the New Zealand Man.

Personality-wise, the New Zealand man is a relaxed specimen. He has “got a sence of humor (sometimes it`s a bit strange)”, and is “goal orintated and set hi standards for myself.” The New Zealand man asserts his normalcy with statements like, “Fairly laid back, does not take life too seriously,” “a very non threaening person,” “The vampire lifestyle just isn’t for me,” and “fun loving & happy to lie about how we met.”

What does the New Zealand man like to do? They are “passionate about fihing,” “flying, fishing, shooting,” “motorbikes, fishing and building things, walking,” “fishing,holidays,and casino,” “dogs fishing hunting”. I’m so glad I’m not a fish. New Zealand Man has a can-do attitude, always “upgrading the house” and pitching their woo by noting “i might come in handy to sort out problems with computers or Automotive Engineering.” Their dream vacation seems to be either a motorcycle trip across the U.S.A, or the desire to see the obscure corners of seven continents.

Where food is concerned, the New Zealand man is a carnivore, when he is not semi-vegetarian, and has pedestrian tastes, unless he is adventurous. Those who enjoy meat are firm in their preference, “Bacon &eggs, Meat&three veges, roasts etc.” “mmmm steak!!!” “wholesome meat,” “i d have to say i enjoy roast chicken.” For each guy who likes “Pasta, fish, chicken” is someone who boldy says “I don’t like pasta”. For themselves, they cook “stews, bolognese, steak, or what looks really nice in the cook book.” The results are often “surprising meals (even to myself)”. Wisely, the New Zealand man notes, “i dont find cooking that difficult, cleaning up is the big bug bare.”

Musically, the 80s live on; several fellows have as their latest new album Meatloaf’s Greatest Hits and works by David Lee Roth, Dire Straits, the Clash – have any albums been released in New Zealand since 1989? And is Peter Jackson’s oeuvre so irresistible that his films are cited again and again as a most recently seen movie? With the printed page, the New Zealand man leans towards enjoying nonfiction and classics such as “The Great Gasby”.

Spiritually, the New Zealand man is in touch with his emotions. These gentlemen are “happy go luck ,very romantic, very spiritual mined.” In amour, if not in guerre, “politics is for the useless monkeys.” In a romantic mood, they “enjoy night’s out on the town winning and dining.” Simple pleasures reign – The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayann is evoked by the wish for “A nice meal then the company of a caring loving woman,” the humble desire for “a nice lady to have outting’s with.”

Overall, New Zealand men are open to women as they truly are in finding their match – each understated wish for someone “fit” is paralleled with someone else’s bolder “appearance is less important than the person inside.” That said, there seems to be a striking amount of New Zealand men who dig tall chicks. “I’m into taller women — at least 167cm / 5’6″ would be great.” “Tall women only!!!” “On the tallish side.”

Above all, New Zealand men are true individuals…receiving 40th birthday gifts of a unicycle and a bottle of tequila…working on becoming an eccentric millionaire…drilling for oil in the sub-Antarctic…frequently a loner…wanting to set up wood shops or work on jewelry…photographing tigers…building model tanks…dancing up a storm…firing up the RV and heading off towards the horizon.

New Zealand Man, you make the copyeditor in me sigh in despair, even as the woman in me salutes you fondly.

For more of the New Zealand Man in his own words, with the benefit of some serious writing talent, check out Tim Jones’ new poetry collection. “Men Briefly Explained explores all aspects of contemporary manhood, the humourous and not so humourous, where men are in relation to women and to society in general. ” Click on the image for more!

I'm so glad we have this book at last.

Part of my pleasure in perfumes comes from an attractive bottle – something that’s very subjective. At the end of our last perfume post, I loved the quirky sci-fi design of one perfume bottle, Womanity, while other people just found it bizarre. Right now my everyday perfume is something called “Woman in Rose”. It’s a light green-tinged floral, like someone rolled fresh leaves and scented rose petals and a hint of musk together and summoned The Perfume Fairy to make it last. But the bottle is a clunker.

Luckily, I can just decant  it into another bottle. I could use a practical, shiny new bottle, as recommended in the link. Or one of my favorite things, a vintage atomizer or bottle!

It can be challenging to find these -  “boudoir” items from the dressing table are now a vintage/antique collector category, one that’s getting more popular. But one day in downtown Wellington I saw a sign in a foyer for a vintage and jewelry shop, The Retro Room. I like exploring. Hidden stores in old buildings? Sign me up. After two flights of stairs, I was rewarded with a two-room vintage emporium that has great stash of vintage perfume bottles, atomizers, perfumes themselves, and makeup compacts. Naturally, The Retro Room has all kinds of retro goodness – I was impressed with their accessories in particular: shoes, purses, hats, jewellery all tempted. But with perfume on my mind  I was struck by their strong perfume-related inventory.

This is only one shelf of the vintage perfume bottle selection at The Retro Room in Wellington

The Retro Room has two locations in Wellington:
311 Willis Street (open regularly)
Room 27, Trade Union Building, 124 Vivien Street (open by appointment)

Both these places are on the second floor or higher, so walk into foyers and look up! Once a month they have a special late night for customers at the Vivien Street shop, complete with glasses of bubbly.

One of my favorite things about vintage atomizers is that sometimes the old perfume lingers in them. And then you add your perfume, and your scent gets a fascinating overlay. I adore this, but maybe you don’t. The Retro Room proprietor has the answer. She says, “Simply open the atomizer and rinse the bottle, using rubbing alcohol. Then let it dry.” This removes the previous scent. Brilliant!